Fixin’ …

When flats happen; does it hafta be at 11:30 P.M. in the middle of nowhere?
Always carry tools ... always go prepared and always expect the unexpected!

     Hey, y’all … hope you and yours are havin’ a wonderful holiday season.  I’ve taken some time off of work, but it really ain’t been much of a vacation.  Instead of lazin’ ‘round the house or ‘round the fire pit … I’ve been doin’ a bunch of fixin’.  On top of all my other responsibilities, my main job in this household is fixin’ all the stuff that breaks.  “Don’t worry … Dad can fix it!” is like some kind of challenge I get from my family on a regular basis.  I don’t quite know if they’re just tryin’ to give me somethin’ to do ‘cause they feel sorry for me, or if it’s some kind of sick game they play to keep me outta their hair.  Let’s face-it, if you’re the outdoors type … you’re constantly fixin’ somethin’.  Whether it's a flat on your trailer or the lock on your spare that disintegrates as you turn the key ... it's always somethin'!  I don’t care how much it costs or how good you think you’ve taken care of it … at the most inopportune time, it’s eventually goin’ to break.  Whatever the case, I’m beginnin’ to think my main purpose in life is fixin’ sh¡t!

     The perfect example was the spare tire lock which I routinely kept lubricated that fell apart when I really needed my spare tire at 11:30 P.M. about 45-minutes south of Marshall!  I really think that some things are purposely built cheaply to begin with.  It’s like there’s some big marketin’ conspiracy to manufacture junk so you have to go back to the store and buy more.  Take for instance “waterproof” trailer lights; good God, whoever come up with these has to either be a sick & twisted sumb¡tch or a marketin’ genius!  First of all, you go to your local sports & outdoors store or Y’all-Mart to replace a $15.00-$25.00 “waterproof” trailer light, and you come outta there with $150.00+ of other sh¡t you didn’t really need ‘fore you went in there!  And let me tell y’all somethin’ … there ain’t no such thing as a “waterproof” trailer light!  Every one of ‘em either has a drain hole … which also lets water in, or uses such cheap materials that after three or four launches, they corrode and short-out.  Hell, I even unplug mine before I back the boat in, but it don’t matter.  I’ve tried sealin’ ‘em with silicone, sprayin’ a corrosion inhibitor on the interior parts & contacts, and even use heat-shrink butt-splices to make my connections … but nothin’ works.  And it don’t matter that you’ve checked everything beforehand, ‘cause as soon as you leave to go pick-up your fishin’ buddy at 4:30 a.m., the first thing he’s goin’ to tell you ain’t good mornin’; it’s goin’ to be, “Hey man … you got a trailer light out.”

When critters attack: financially gnawed,
I also used this opportunity to re-carpet.

     This may just be a useless rant, but anyone who owns a boat knows that it’s just a floatin’ hole to throw money in.  I don’t care how hard you try and take care of it … somethin’ always needs fixin’!  Navigation lights don’t go south near as often as “waterproof” trailer lights, but you can’t legally navigate without them; I always carry spare bulbs.  And screw wear & tear or the elements; sometimes, it’s nature that bites you the hardest!  One year, I had either squirrels or rats chew-up and short-out my main wirin’ harness, which was inside of the starboard gunwhale of the boat … to the tune of $1,700.00 worth of damage!  Thank God for insurance and that I always checked everything well in advance of goin’ sloughstalkin’.  Then there was the time that my steerin’ locked-up.  What the Hell?  I’d pumped grease in the zirt on the steerin’ cable on a regular basis.  I was later “schooled” by my buddy in Uncertain that the zirt I was puttin’ grease into was for the tilt, not the steerin’ cable.  Really?  Then why in the Hell would Yamaha put that zirt on the steerin’ cable?

     Then there was the time that I was headed to a tournament at Sam Rayburn … and my friggin’ trailer axel snapped at the spindle on I-10 near Anahuac.  I just happened to notice white smoke in my driver’s side-view mirror … ‘cause I damn sure didn’t feel anything.  The tire & wheel was lodged in the fender-well … or I’d probably have had boat damage or caused an accident!  What the Hell?  I had installed Bearing-Buddies and pumped grease into ‘em on a regular basis as well.  Nine hours later and $425.00 lighter (tow, axel & labor) … I showed-up at my destination with a new axel and the galvanized fender-wells torched off the trailer.  Any port in a storm; the only axel I could find was 1½” to 2” too wide for the wheels not to rub the fender-wells.  And on that same trip, the friggin’ trollin’ motor was actin’ up ‘cause of a faulty switch or connection.  Really?  It’s kind-of hard to bass-fish in a tournament without a reliable trollin’ motor!

     Sometimes, the tow-vehicle wasn’t immune to such misgivin’s either.  I had a 4x4 Suburban with a 454 under the hood; I called it the “Red Sled” … ‘cause it could tow a house and pass anything but a gas station.  One evenin’ I was headed to my local sports & outdoors store to purchase another “waterproof” trailer light and God knows what else … when the beast suddenly started acceleratin’ on its own!  This wasn’t no Toyota … it was American muscle goin’ all “Stephen King” on my unsuspectin’ ass!  I stood on the breaks and then simply turned-off the key … coasted to a stop and started it again.  The tires smoked as it rapidly accelerated again before I turned-off the ignition and coasted into the parkin’ lot of a buddy’s garage.  When I popped the hood, I noticed that the steerin’ cable got frayed and had knotted-up … causin’ it to stick at ¾ throttle.  Again, I found myself fixin’ sh¡t before I could go onto my next soughstalkin’ adventure.  Not only did I have to re-wire more “waterproof” trailer lights, I had to track-down another accelerator cable for the Red Sled as well.  I lost a day of fishin’ out of that trip, but at least the incident didn’t happen with the boat attached, or … God forbid, while I was drivin’ through Houston or out in the middle of friggin’ nowhere.

     The oddest thing that happened to the Red Sled was after an entire week of sloughstalkin’ when I was leavin’ Uncertain for home late one Sunday afternoon.  I was on I-59 South at the Carthage Exit when I noticed I had no power breaks.  And, as an added-bonus … I then discovered I had no power steerin’ either.  Try maneuverin’ that train-wreck while pullin’ a boat!  I eased into a truckin’ yard and popped the hood, and noticed that my serpentine belt was missin’.  Hmmm, no problem … ‘cause I always carried a spare.  Always go prepared, and always carry tools, ‘cause you just never know when you’re goin’ to be fixin’ sh¡t!  While tryin’ to put the spare belt on, I discovered the original belt, which had been thrown into the firewall.  Upon inspection, that belt was intact; but to my horror, the idler pulley was nowhere to be found!  I was loaded-down with gear and pullin’ a boat, but dead in the friggin’ water … so to speak.  I immediately called my buddy in Uncertain, asked him to grab an idler pulley assembly from Marshall, and I’d pay him for his time & travel.  When he got there, we discovered that the new idler pulley assembly was not really an assembly at all!  There was just a pulley and bearin’; no bolt or the bushin’ that was needed to assemble this fustercluck that I was now in …

     But have no fear, ‘cause a country-boy will survive!  Upon further inspection, the much needed carriage bolt was also miraculously located lodged in the undercarriage of my vehicle.  My buddy just looked at me and said, “You have got to be the luckiest sumb¡tch I know!”  There still wasn’t no bushin’ … and no washers … but the much needed bolt.  My buddy just happened to have a ½” to ¾” pipe couplin’ … which we substituted for the bushin’.  It was just the right size for the idler pulley’s bearing to slide over.  I had extra washers of various diameters in my tool kit, and we spaced-it out to where the pulley was aligned for proper belt placement.  Talk about yer Shade-Tree Mechanics 101!  This was only a temporary fix, but at least got me back to Uncertain for the night.  I hit the parts department at the Chevy dealership in Marshall first thing the next mornin’ … and after 15-minutes under the hood … I was finally headed back home.

     Two of the worst things that can happen when you’re sloughstalkin’ are gettin’ caught in a storm or havin’ engine problems.  Well, I just wouldn’t be me unless I got to experience both of these scenarios simul-friggin’-taneously!  A buddy and I was fishin’ the back of Smith’s Slough before a front was comin’ in.  We had to access this area from the Carter Lake side, ‘cause the water was too shallow to run all the way down Smith’s Slough.  We were havin’ such a great time catchin’ bass, that we waited ‘til the very last minute to haul-ass back to Cypress Village.  Shortly after I got the boat on plane … the engine alarm come on.  I had to shut-her down … raise the engine and clear all the duck-weed and other vegetation from the lower unit and intake.  As we waited for the engine to cool … the wind, rain and lightnin’ commenced to whippin’ our asses!  Before we finally got onto Big Cypress, my buddy got clocked with a fairly decent sized branch, and the engine alarm came on again.  As it was rainin’ sideways … again, I shut-her off, put the trollin’ motor down and finally made it to the far bank.  We found someone’s dilapidated boathouse to hide in.  We hunkered-down ‘til the lightnin’ passed, and limped back to Cypress Village.  A new impeller was needed, and all was well again.
 

     I really wasn’t plannin’ to spend the majority of my Holiday vacation fixin’ sh¡t; however, I’m fixin’ to take the boat to get checked and get the engine tuned.   I’ve also been goin’ through all of my Baggage to make sure I don’t have any surprises to deal with in 2014.  I’d rather concentrate on sloughstalkin’ and spendin’ my time in the grime … and not gettin’ grimey from fixin’ sh¡t.  I’ll need all the concentration I can muster so I don’t end-up getting’ friggin’ Lost!  It’ll be a new year, with new territories to explore and new (mis)adventures to experience.  Oh, and at least a couple of more trips to Y’all-Mart for some of them new “waterproof” trailer lights!  Y’all be safe, and happy holidays to you and yours!